Belief Comes First
"We’re just trying to protect them from disappointment."
I want to talk about something that’s been weighing on my heart; the way we, as a society, talk about the very disabled students. Especially the ones who can’t speak. We talk about protecting our Disabled loved ones from the harsh world of nefarious people and systems.
But protection can easily become a cage. If we only ever shield Disabled children and then adults from struggle, we can also shield them from growth. Disabled people face enough external barriers; they don’t need the people who love them adding internal ones.
In the Disabled world, this is called the Dignity of Risk. Failure is not the worst thing that can happen to a Disabled person, even after their primary caregivers are gone. The worst thing that can happen is never getting a chance to live one's life on their own autonomous terms with full agency. Every person deserves the Dignity of Risk. And every person deserves the chance to surprise us, and most importantly they deserve the chance to surprise themself.
Yes, some days will be hard. Some goals may take longer. Some paths may need adjustments. But that doesn’t mean we stop striving. It means we get creative. We adapt. We believe . We do the believing for our loved ones because the rest of the world surely will not.
History is full of disabled people who were told they’d never achieve anything… only to prove everyone wrong. But they didn’t do it alone. They had someone or many someones who believed in them.
The way we, as a society, talk about disabled students. Too often, we focus on what they can’t do instead of what they can. We set limits based on assumptions, not possibilities. We lower expectations in the name of "realism" or "protection," not realizing that in doing so, we may be holding them back from a future they could have had.
People think this is about ignoring challenges and struggles or pretending disability doesn’t exist. It’s about refusing to let those challenges define a person’s entire life story. It’s about believing in potential… even when that potential looks different than we expect.
I’ve heard it so many times:
- "We just want to be realistic."
- "We don’t want to set them up for failure."
- "It’s kinder not to push too hard."
But here’s the truth: “Realism" is often just another word for low expectations. And low expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies. When we assume a child can’t handle something, we don’t give them the chance to try. When we don’t let them struggle, we don’t let them grow.
Disabled students are constantly told, directly or indirectly:
- You can’t do this.
- This is too much for you.
- You should aim lower.
What if, instead, we said:
- Let’s try.
- What support do you need?
- How can we make this possible for you?
This isn’t about forcing someone into a mold they don’t fit. It’s about expanding the mold… or breaking it entirely.
So here’s my challenge to all of us… parents, teachers, therapists, friends:
First, Check your language.
- Stop saying "can’t" before you’ve even tried.
- Replace "never" with "how?"
Second, Presume competence.
- That means to Assume they can until proven otherwise; not the reverse.
- Listen to their goals, even if those goals seem "unrealistic."
Third, Redefine success.
- Progress isn’t just linear. Small steps matter.
- Independence looks different for everyone... and that’s okay.
For example: It may look like living away from family but with an aide to help daily activities. That’s still independence. It may look like living with family with an aide that comes everyday or lives-in, so that family is no longer the main caregiver. And of course, there are unlimited ways independence can look. As long as it is it is the Disabled person’s choice. If they cannot tell you just yet, then the main priority is getting reliable and accurate communication to them.
And lastly, advocate fiercely.
- Fight for resources, accommodations, and opportunities.
- Be the parent or caregiver who says "Why not?" when a sea of other parents say "No." to their loved one or they never will about their own kid. You don’t have to go along with them, feel pressured to think less or feel crazy that you’re the family that believes in your child more. What your child thinks of you is way more important than your parent peers any ole way.